Some Pouches of Sleepytime Tea That Belonged to Your Partner Before You Moved In Together
You refuse to drink this tea because you find it unsettling that it has known your partner for longer than you have. Who was he having Sleepytime with before you? What secrets are hidden within the creases of its slightly crumpled packaging? Is the bear in that stocking cap actually asleep, or is he just avoiding eye contact because he knows something? Get rid of this blend of suspicion and lemongrass now, or be disturbed by it till death do you part.
Loose-Leaf Black Tea Inside a Baggy
There’s a strong chance that these are just mouse droppings.
Mystery Tea Bag with the Label Missing
This tea is the last of its kind, whatever that was. Give it a proper sendoff by pairing it with the last dregs of honey from the honey bear standing on its head. It’s time to end this demented countertop circus spectacle—it’s the only humane thing to do.
Single Sachet of Glitter Tea That You’ll Never Feel Worthy Enough to Drink
This cursed object was a “gift” from a friend whom you no longer talk to. For the past two years, it has haunted your tea collection. Some say that if you hold it up to your ear, you can hear the faint whispers of past owners who have all been driven mad by it.
Organic Hibiscus Tea from Whole Foods That You Bought Because of the Packaging
Never mind, you just store coins and buttons in this container now.
A Couple Half-Full Bags of Overpriced David’s Tea
You wandered into David’s Tea one bitter February day four years ago, seduced by the store’s gleam and its wide array of whimsical flavors, such as English toffee and gingerbread, only to return home that night to the horrific realization that you spent sixty-five real, actual dollars on dried leaves doused with some sort of chemical flavoring. Each individual cup costs roughly seven dollars, so, on second thought, you have to keep this, or the overdraft fee was all for nothing.
Four Squishy Packets of Tomato Tea
These came with your egg and cheese bagel for some reason, and you never say no to free tea!
A Few Wrinkled Packages of Emergen-C Dredged Up from the Bottom of Your Purse
Share a bag with friends by inviting everyone to wet their pinky fingers and take a lick—for what is Emergen-C but healthy Fun Dip? Oh come on, it’s not like you’re all going to get sick.
K-Cups Tea Variety Pack (Forty-Count)
You don’t actually own these because you’re not a monster.
